For this project, I was interested in exploring an external versus internal parallel between the two different versions of the soundscape. My mind almost immediately went to a difficult breakup with a long-distance significant other that I went through in my junior year of high school. For a while, I found it difficult to cope with, because my ex pinned all of his reasons for ending the relationship on perceived faults of mine. As a result, I did and still do find myself trying to please everyone around me, and fearing the prospect of anyone expressing disappointment in me. However, for several years I was not able to talk about this with my parents, because my ex was genderfluid (he/him) and I was not out to my family as bisexual. They were not aware of this relationship, so I could not tell them why I was so upset for a long time. I had to blame it on school stress.
This is where my inspiration to play with internal versus external comes from. Often, my anxiety manifests as bouts of disassociation and quiet tears, rather than erratic panic attacks. This was the feeling I aimed to convey in my linear soundscape, which was more narrative-driven and based in what others may perceive. I took some liberties with having the sounds of the crowd and of the home fade out when I got nervous, and with the heartbeat that steadily increased in volume. However, ultimately, my aim was to convey a sense of emptiness with underlying anticipation.
The avant-garde version is where I delved more into my internal monologue during this time. I held onto key phrases which stuck with me long after the breakup, and based this soundscape around those. I played with panning and binaural recording to differentiate between my ex’s voice and my own internal voice, and to create a feeling of sensory overload. Additionally, I wanted the foley used in this version to be less directly connected to the memory, serving more symbolic purposes. Whereas my linear version used keys on a keyboard or shuffling around as I sat down at my desk, I used the sound of the railroad crossing for its distressing feel, then proceeded to add in the footsteps and the passing train to create the feeling of my ex both literally and figuratively leaving. The sound of the slap was also meant to signify pain. Although the pain was never physical because the relationship was long-distance, I elected to use the slapping sound because of my friends that later likened my ex’s parting speech to emotional abuse.
Andrewmcniven. (2009, Jun 17). Study (Museum Open-telephone) [Audio file]. Freesound. Retrieved from https://freesound.org/people/andrewmcniven/sounds/74438/
ERH. (2007, Mar 30). Eerie strings [Audio file]. Freesound. Retrieved from https://freesound.org/people/ERH/sounds/32899/
Josepharaoh99. (2017, Feb 10). Chime notification [Audio file]. Freesound. Retrieved from https://freesound.org/people/josepharaoh99/sounds/380482/
LamaMakesMusic. (2017, Oct 3). Button-Light_Click-phone [Audio file]. Freesound. Retrieved from https://freesound.org/people/LamaMakesMusic/sounds/403558/
MrAuralization. (2012, Jul 31). Railroad Crossing Japan [Audio file]. Freesound. Retrieved from https://freesound.org/people/MrAuralization/sounds/162068/
Shall555. (2012, Mar 28). sh_Machine_Room_1 [Audio file]. Freesound. Retrieved from https://freesound.org/people/shall555/sounds/149912/
