Boyfriend of Steel || A Neon Genesis Evangelion Fangame

Shinji

I’m a little worried that if I go to the music room, I might be overheard playing the cello. It’s just an old hobby of mine. I was told to start it as a child, and no one ever told me to stop.

Shinji

It’s one thing to play during class, but a whole other to be heard on my own...

Shinji

Still, it beats the alternative. Things have been kind of awkward at home lately.

Shinji

I come down the hallway and gingerly approach the music room, only to hear the sound of a piano already coming from inside.

Shinji

When I peer through the glass panel on the door, I see Kaworu, my classmate, sitting on the bench, hands flying effortlessly across the keys. He seems so in his element, blissfully smiling as “Ode to Joy” rings throughout the room.

Go inside

Let him be

Shinji

I wonder if I should go inside. It would be nice to listen to him...but what if I’m bothering him?

Shinji

Yeah. I don’t want to be a burden on him or anything. I might embarrass him or something…

Shinji

I really hope I’m not interrupting. My curiosity is just getting the better of me…

Shinji

I open the door. I’m careful to do it slowly, so as to avoid disturbing Kaworu with the noise, but he notices anyway and I’m immediately hit with a pang of guilt.

Shinji

Sorry, I was just — I don’t know, I —

Kaworu

Not to worry, Shinji. The company is welcome. After all, music is best enjoyed in the company of others.

Shinji

With an easy smile, Kaworu stands from the bench. I feel like my presence is forcing him to stop playing, but before I can say anything, he gestures to the keys, looking my way.

Kaworu

Would you like to try?

Shinji

There’s a certainty in his eyes when he asks me, so prominent that it makes me wonder if the two of us have ever done anything like this before.

Shinji

My words catch in my throat. I’ve played cello before, but the piano is another story. Plus, no matter what instrument it is, I don’t think I could play in front of other people.

I’ll give it a try

I can't play piano, but —

I’ll pass

Shinji

I feel like I’m being put on the spot...what should I do?

Shinji

I’m almost completely sure I’ll look like a fool trying to play in front of Kaworu, but somehow my desire to spend this time with him overcomes the voice in my head telling me I shouldn’t.

Shinji

Me? Are you sure? I’m not any good at the piano...

Kaworu

The only way you will know if you’re good or not is if you try. If you aren’t satisfied, then you practice until you can play something that feels good to you.

Shinji

I hesitate a moment before finally taking a seat at the piano. Kaworu sits beside me, his shoulder brushing against mine. Why does it make my heart stop for a beat...?

Kaworu

Try playing this.

Shinji

He demonstrates with a short riff. I try and replicate it, but it’s clumsy and uncertain.

Shinji

Suddenly, his hands return to the keys and he’s playing along with me!

Shinji

I struggle to keep up at first. But each time we repeat the riff, I relax into our sound.

Kaworu

Very good! Our sounds work well together.

Shinji

I don’t say anything in response, or else I’ll lose my focus on what I’m playing. It doesn’t come as naturally to me.

Shinji

Still, I’m beginning to enjoy myself. The two of us are able to lose track of time, completely absorbed in what we’re playing, repeating it until it feels nice. I even start to forget what I was so nervous about.

Shinji

The two of us go on like this for a while, practicing this duet born from some uncertain first notes. We barely even pay attention to the setting sun.

Shinji

We only realize how late it is when an announcement sounds over the intercom, saying that the campus grounds are closing and all remaining students need to go home.

Kaworu

Ah. Perhaps we should take our leave.

Shinji

Oh — yeah. I didn’t even realize it was that late.

Shinji

We place the cover over the ivory keys and rise to gather our things.

Shinji

I can’t, but, well...I can play the cello…

Kaworu

That’s alright. In fact, that’s something to be proud of. There’s no need to be shy about it. Do you have your cello in the room?

Shinji

Oh, yeah, for music class...

Kaworu

If you wouldn’t mind, I’d love to hear something. The cello’s sound is quite poignant. I’m sure you could make it sing beautifully.

Shinji

Eh? But, I only know how to play a couple of things…

Kaworu

Not to worry. Just do what feels comfortable.

Shinji

I hesitate before crossing the room to pick up my case, bringing it back to where I’d been standing. It takes me a bit to lift the instrument out, get settled, make sure it’s tuned — that sort of thing.

Shinji

All the while, I’m very aware of Kaworu watching me, and I feel as though he’s judging my every movement. But I glance at him now and then, and nothing in his smile gives anything like that away.

Shinji

Okay...that should be fine...um…

Shinji

I mutter, half to myself, half to Kaworu. Then I lift the bow to the strings.

Shinji

I play a segment of Cello Suite no. 1, Prelude. Standard fare for a cellist.

Shinji

I find myself holding my breath as I play, knowing I have an audience. I’ve never had an issue before, since my teacher wanted me to start when I was young. I would just play like I was asked.

Shinji

But for some reason, this feels different. Is it because it’s Kaworu that can hear me…?

Shinji

When I finish, I glance Kaworu’s way. His eyes close thoughtfully for a moment.

Kaworu

You’re quite tense. Your playing is already beautiful, Shinji. Your feelings will inform your sound, so there’s no need to hesitate.

Shinji

As he speaks, he comes to stand closer to me, until I can feel him standing right beside me.

Kaworu

Just relax, like so...

Shinji

I feel him place his hands on my shoulders and draw in a small, sharp gasp.

Kaworu

Take a deep breath. Release the tension in your shoulders. Your playing is a gift to the people that will hear it, so don’t be afraid.

Shinji

As I follow his advice, I find comfort in his words. A gift...that feels like high praise. It makes me feel better about my playing. I think I can do this again.

Shinji

I inhale. Exhale. And then I try again. This time, it feels more natural, more like it usually does. Even I notice an improvement in the sound.

Shinji

When I finish, I look up at Kaworu from my seat.

Shinji

Kaworu, that was —

Kaworu

Very good, Shinji. You played very freely this time. It was beautiful.

Shinji

For some reason, the praise makes my heart jump inside my chest. I can’t help smiling in my excitement.

Kaworu

Perhaps I should learn some accompaniment for your playing, for a duet between the cello and piano. Or I could bring my violin some other time.

Shinji

Eh? You play violin, too?

Shinji

Upon hearing that, I can’t help but think how talented Kaworu is...it’s amazing.

Kaworu

Yes, as a secondary instrument. Do you prefer one or the other?

Shinji

Ah, no, I’m just amazed that you’d want to play music with me at all.

Kaworu

Of course I would, Shinji. Playing with you would be a pleasure.

Shinji

I’m burning right up to my ears now, and it takes everything I have not to bury my face in my hands. But it’s not because of shame. Right now, I’m just...the happiest I’ve felt in a while.

Shinji

Soon the sun begins to set, and the chatter of students in the hallway just outside begins to die down.

Kaworu

Ah, it’s getting to be late. Perhaps we should go for the evening.

Shinji

Oh, I guess so...I didn’t realize it was that late.

Shinji

Kaworu gently places the cover over the piano keys, and I begin to pack up my cello...

Shinji

I’d better not. I can’t play.

Kaworu

To live is to change. People must try new things in order to live.

Shinji

Despite my lack of experience, Kaworu insists.

I'll try it anyway

I can play the cello...

I should really get going

Shinji

I’m really going to embarrass myself if I try, though it seems like he really wants to hear my playing...if it can even be called that…

Shinji

I feel a sense of guilt washing over me, but I really can’t do this. I hope he doesn’t hate me for it…

Shinji

N-No, I really can’t. I mean it, I’m not any good.

Kaworu

I see. I apologize for imposing, then.

Shinji

I’m sorry…

Kaworu

You mustn’t apologize, Shinji. These are your honest feelings. You’re sharing them of your own volition. However, making oneself vulnerable also opens one up to the chance of experiencing great joy.

Shinji

I’m stuck between feeling relief for being forgiven, or shame for running away. The serious shift in Kaworu’s demeanor is definitely my fault.

Shinji

Maybe some other time. I just wanted to come and tell you I like your playing before I went home. It’s, um — my night to make dinner.

Kaworu

I understand. I appreciate the thought, Shinji. I come here often in the afternoon, so if you ever change your mind, or just want to listen, please feel free to come join me.

Shinji

I nod, shifting the weight of my bag on my shoulders before awkwardly making to leave the room.

Shinji

Thank you, Kaworu. Um — I’ll see you tomorrow?

Kaworu

Yes, I’ll see you tomorrow, Shinji.

Shinji

The air in the room is so heavy, I feel as though it’ll crush me any second. I leave the room before it can happen.

Shinji

Thank you, Kaworu. I had a lot of fun today.

Kaworu

The pleasure is mine, Shinji. I’m glad I was able to share that with you.

Shinji

The two of us leave campus together. Looking at Kaworu, I feel a gentle, pleasant warmth fill my chest. I’m almost disappointed the afternoon ended so soon, but I’m glad it happened at all.

Shinji

Um, hey, Kaworu...do you think we’d be able to do that again?

Shinji

It’s out of my mouth before I even realize what I said. But Kaworu only replies with a soft, knowing chuckle.

Kaworu

Of course. I almost always go to the music room when it’s available for use, so feel free to join me anytime.

Shinji

Something to look forward to during school...the thought makes me happy. Like I won’t have to force myself out of bed in the mornings. I’ve always tended to be alone in school, so even though this is unfamiliar...as long as it’s Kaworu, I think it’ll be a good thing.

Shinji

Thank you, Kaworu. Um, I guess I should probably start heading home…

Yes

Kaworu

Would you like company on the way?

Shinji

I consider saying yes, but then I realize the time. I wonder if Miss Misato will care that I was out so late without saying anything. I don’t think I want Kaworu to see that.

Shinji

I wish I could, but I have some things to take care of at home. S-Sorry.

Kaworu

It’s nothing to apologize for. Perhaps some other time.

Shinji

Y — Yeah. When I can, let’s do that.

Kaworu

In that case, I’ll see you tomorrow. Rest well tonight, Shinji.

Shinji

Yeah. See you tomorrow.

Shinji

With that, we each go our separate ways, until we’ll meet up again tomorrow...

Shinji

Wait — really? Are you sure?

Kaworu

Of course. I wouldn’t have suggested it if I didn’t mean it.

Shinji

Well, I, um...if you really don’t mind…

Shinji

Filled with warm feelings at the thought of being with Kaworu a little longer, I just finish my sentence with a smile that I hope gets the thought across. He seems to understand perfectly fine.

Kaworu

Excellent. Would you mind leading the way?

Shinji

Oh, yeah. This way.

Shinji

A few train stops and a bit of walking take us home. Somewhere along the way, I suddenly remember that I should probably text Miss Misato before we get there.

Shinji

Soon enough, we arrive at the door, slipping our shoes off and heading inside.

Shinji

I’m home…

Kaworu

Pardon the intrusion.

Misato

Ah, welcome home, Shinji! And to you, Kaworu.

Asuka

Jeez, I was wondering when you were gonna get home! What were you even doing out so late? Misato says it’s your turn to cook tonight, you know.

Shinji

Sorry…

Misato

Well, I guess it’s alright. I can handle dinner if you want, so you two can just relax, okay?

Shinji

N-No, that’s okay! I got it! Don’t worry about it, Miss Misato, please…

Shinji

Jeez, I’d rather die before having Kaworu try Miss Misato’s cooking. She’s not good at it, so I had to teach myself how to do it…

Shinji

So I get to work. Kaworu doesn’t mind keeping me company at the kitchen table while I work, which is nice. We just sort of idly chat while I get some simple curry going.

Shinji

There’s a brief break in our conversation as I stop to check the flavor, hoping in the back of my mind that it’s good, maybe better than usual…

Shinji

It’s a little on the mild side…

Kaworu

Is there anything I can do to help?

Shinji

I hear Kaworu rise from his seat at the table to come join me at the stovetop.

Shinji

Oh — don’t worry, Kaworu, it’s close to done. It just needs a little more seasoning…

Shinji

— !!

Shinji

Suddenly, I feel his hands gently resting on my hips, and his head on my shoulder. He inhales deeply, while the breath I draw is more like a startled gasp.

Shinji

It smells delicious so far. I’m excited to give it a try.

Shinji

K-Kaworu…!

Shinji

Suddenly, I can feel my pulse much more prominently than a moment ago.

Shinji

How am I supposed to focus when he’s this close to me…?!

Shinji

Um...d-do you want to check the taste — ? It’s not perfect yet, but...

Kaworu

I’m sure it’s coming along nicely. I’d love to try.

Shinji

I reach for a tablespoon and try to figure out how to navigate the situation with Kaworu leaning over my shoulder. I end up taking a spoonful and holding it out to him, thinking he might come around me to take the spoon from my hand.

Shinji

Instead, he leans further forward, enough to taste the curry from the spoon while I’m still holding it.

Shinji

My face feels warm. Maybe the curry isn’t too mild, after all…?

Kaworu

I see what you mean about the spice. But this is also quite good. If you were to serve it like this, I would still enjoy it thoroughly.

Shinji

R-Really…?

Kaworu

Really. Though, if you’re not satisfied with it, then whether or not to adjust it is your decision. Here — why not try a touch more of the cayenne?

Shinji

Yeah, I’ll try that.

Shinji

I make the adjustments Kaworu suggested. I’m about to taste test it again, but with Kaworu still behind me, I move to let him try again.

Shinji

He’s still standing behind me, so I’m still turning over my shoulder, spoon in hand. It feels a little more natural this time, but isn’t this still kind of intimate…?

Shinji

— How’s that?

Kaworu

Quite good. You’ve added just the right amount, I think.

Shinji

Really? Oh, that’s good!

Kaworu

Yes. There’s something special about the fact that you made it, as well.

Shinji

My face flushes and I open my mouth to respond, but I hear a voice from behind me that causes me to jump.

Asuka

You two done yet? I was wondering what the hold up was.

Shinji

Y — Yeah, pretty much! S-Sorry, let me just get the table set — !

Shinji

I quickly grab some plates and utensils for four people, and soon enough we’re seated.

Shinji

I ladle out a helping of curry over rice for Kaworu and Asuka. Miss Misato is more than happy to take hers in a cup of curry-flavored instant ramen.

Shinji

You’re really sure…?

Misato

I told you it’s better than just the instant curry flavor! There’s nothing that can beat the real thing, you know ~

Shinji

I could just make curry ramen if you ask...

Shinji

She really doesn’t have any shame. The least she could do is not be like this in front of Kaworu...

Shinji

Though strangely enough, he doesn’t seem to pay any mind. In fact, the atmosphere at the table feels a little lighter than I remember it being for the past few days. We’re all making idle conversation. I’m even complimented on the curry a few times.

Shinji

Does it feel like this tonight because Kaworu is here? Or was everything in my head?

Shinji

Time passes, and eventually everyone finishes eating.

All

Thank you for the meal!

Kaworu

Well, I suppose it’s rather late, and I shouldn’t overstay my welcome…

Misato

Oh, but does the train still run at this hour? I wouldn’t want you to go down to the train station if it’s out of service for the night.

Shinji

Come to think of it, it is pretty late. We left campus late to begin with, after all.

Shinji

But does that mean…?

Asuka

Wait, so he’s staying over for the night? Hmph, I guess it can’t be helped.

Asuka

But he’s not getting my room! The last thing I want is another boy who could stick his nose in places he doesn’t belong.

Kaworu

I assure you I have no interest in doing anything like that.

Asuka

You’d better not! Or you’re a dead man.

Shinji

Still, maybe Asuka has a point. We don’t have a guest room that Kaworu could use for the night.

In the living room

In my room

Shinji

Where should he stay?

Shinji

I don’t really say anything about the bed situation, for lack of much of a solution. Besides the living room, I guess.

Shinji

But Misato suggests it before I can.

Misato

The place is a little small for four people, so I hope that’s not too much of a problem. Would it be alright with you if we prepared a spot in the living room?

Kaworu

That’s perfectly fine. I appreciate the offer to let me stay over at all.

Misato

Okay, I can do that. Shinji, could you grab some sheets from the linen closet and help me set up?

Shinji

Sure.

Asuka

Well! I’m gonna go get a bath going. You three can work that out while I run the water.

Shinji

Asuka takes her leave, and I go to get the bedding as I’m asked.

Shinji

Soon, we all get washed up and settled for the night. Since Kaworu hasn’t brought anything over for staying overnight, I loan him a shirt and a pair of sweatpants.

Shinji

Before I go to my room, I pass through the living room. Kaworu is on the floor by the doors to the veranda. Moonlight pours through the glass and illuminates his profile.

Shinji

He doesn’t seem bothered by the setup. In fact, he looks pretty content.

Shinji

He must have noticed me looking out of the corner of his eye, because he turns to acknowledge me a moment after I step into the room.

Kaworu

Going to sleep?

Shinji

Yeah. Just passing through first. Um, can I get you anything else before you sleep?

Kaworu

No, that’s alright. Just be sure to get plenty of rest tonight, Shinji.

Shinji

I manage a smile in response before awkwardly turning to go to my room.

Kaworu

Shinji?

Shinji

Kaworu calls to me before I go down the hall. I turn back around curiously.

Shinji

Yes?

Kaworu

Thank you for today. I had fun.

Shinji

Ah...yeah, of course. I, um...I also had a lot of fun.

Kaworu

Sweet dreams, Shinji. I’ll see you tomorrow?

Shinji

Yeah. Good night, Kaworu.

Shinji

I leave the room to go back to my own, head swirling with thoughts as I gaze up at the ceiling.

Shinji

A lot of things happened today that I’m not really used to. Sharing the music room with Kaworu, having him over…

Shinji

To think that he’s just down the hall, too…

Shinji

It makes me wonder what I did to deserve something — someone — so nice today. Moments like those are few and far between for me.

Shinji

Does that just mean that this is going to come to an end soon?

Shinji

Or, maybe...is it just the beginning of something?

Shinji

I’m left to ask myself these questions with no answers as my eyelids slowly start to get heavy...

Shinji

In that case, um, how about staying in my room instead?

Kaworu

With you?

Shinji

No! I mean — yes! I mean — I can sleep on the floor, it’s okay…!

Shinji

Wait, what am I saying? I mean, I’d feel bad making Kaworu take the couch or something like that, but still…!

Kaworu

Well, as long as you’re sure. Thank you for letting me stay, Miss Katsuragi.

Misato

It’s no trouble, Kaworu! If you need anything, just let me know ~

Asuka

Well! I’m gonna go get a bath going. You two can work that out while I do that.

Shinji

Asuka takes her leave, and I take that as my cue to begin clearing up plates.

Shinji

Soon, we all get washed up and settled for the night. Since Kaworu hasn’t brought anything over for staying overnight, I loan him a shirt and a pair of sweatpants.

Kaworu

Are you sure this is alright? I can take the floor, if you like. You’re already doing a lot by letting me stay.

Shinji

No, really, it’s okay. Don’t worry about it.

Shinji

I fall silent after that. For some reason, I’m a little nervous…

Kaworu

Would you like to talk longer?

Shinji

Kaworu is the first to break the silence. I hold my breath, contemplating what I should say.

Shinji

Kaworu...thank you for today. I don’t usually get to do things like this.

Kaworu

What kinds of things?

Shinji

Like...the music room, and having a meal together — that kind of thing. There’s usually never anyone to do them with.

Shinji

Besides, I’ve never felt as comfortable sharing those kinds of things with anyone as I have with Kaworu. Usually, these types of things don’t last long for me.

Kaworu

Even if that’s the case, you came to me today and chose to share music with me. What we did today was a very special thing.

Shinji

The music?

Kaworu

All of it. Human connection is a special thing. Even if the moments are fleeting, as you say, the connection that remains should be cherished.

Kaworu

The fact that you were even willing to share this space is something I won’t take for granted.

Shinji

Kaworu…

Shinji

My nerves from a moment ago melt in the back of my mind. I’m only left to look in Kaworu’s direction from my place on the floor. When I turn my head, he’s looking back at me. I draw a quiet breath.

Kaworu

I really was born just to meet you.

Shinji

…!!

Kaworu

Rest well tonight, Shinji. Thank you for today. I’m glad I was able to spend it with you.

Shinji

Ah, that’s right, I need to take my gym clothes home so I can wash them...I forgot to grab them after gym class ended.

Shinji

I think there’s an athletics club meeting or something happening in the field, though. I hope I’m not interrupting or anything like that.

Shinji

I’ll just slip into the locker room really quickly and grab them…

Shinji

On my way over, I hear a strangely lonely pair of footsteps coming back from the direction of the track field. When I offhandedly glance over my shoulder, I find that they belong to Toji, my classmate.

Ask what’s going on

He’s probably on his way somewhere

Shinji

Is he coming back from the club meeting? Or are they just going somewhere else on campus for today?

Shinji

He’s probably just on his way to meet up with the rest of the club. I’m just gonna go grab my gym clothes and head somewhere else.

Shinji

Toji and I make eye contact, and as soon as he realizes it’s me, he jogs in my direction. I frown slightly, confused about why he’s on his own.

Shinji

Toji? What’s up? Don’t you have a club meeting today?

Toji

Cancelled. Club prez had somewhere to be.

Shinji

Oh, that’s too bad…

Toji

Eh, it’s alright. I can get in a quick jog or somethin’ later today. What’re you doin’ here, though? It’s not every day I see you out by the track field after school.

Shinji

Oh, I just forgot to grab my gym clothes to take home.

Toji

Ah, gotcha. Well, since I’ve got time to kill now, how about if I go with ya? I gotta grab my bag from the locker room, so I was on my way there anyway.

Sure, let’s go

Actually, can you do me a favor?

I have plans after

Shinji

Well, I hadn’t exactly planned on having any company. I’m not doing anything interesting, after all. But maybe it wouldn’t hurt?

Shinji

There’s not really any reason not to. I smile and nod.

Shinji

I’ve also got some time before I need to be home. Let’s go.

Toji

Sweet! Let’s go.

Shinji

We make our way to the locker room, and to our respective lockers. They aren’t right next to each other, but they’re close enough that we can still hold a conversation while shuffling around for our things.

Shinji

Toji is quick to grab his bag from inside his locker, and he takes a seat on a bench near me while I fuss a bit with my lock. He idly taps his foot and begins to make conversation.

Toji

So, what’re you up to after this?

Shinji

Oh, not much, actually. It’s my night to make dinner, so I do need to be home soon, but not for a little while.

Shinji

What about you? What are you going to do, since your club meeting was cancelled?

Shinji

Toji glances up thoughtfully, pursing his lips slightly.

Toji

Well, since I’ve got the time now, I’ll probably drop in and visit my kid sister after you get goin’. I was gonna go anyway, so this just means I can head on over early.

Shinji

I nod knowingly. Toji’s little sister has been in the hospital for a while since I transferred into Tokyo-3 Junior High.

Shinji

I started coming here after my first time piloting Evangelion Unit-01. I didn’t have any experience, and at some point, I went unconscious, so I don’t remember much about it. But apparently, Toji’s sister got caught in the thick of it and was hurt in the debris.

Shinji

I still feel bad that he’s going through that because of me. And, well, Toji didn’t take it well when he first found out I was the pilot, either.

Shinji

But we’ve worked things out between us since, and I’ve done what I can to support him, even though that’s not much more than offering kind words.

Shinji

It’s amazing that you manage to go every day. You two must be really close.

Toji

I mean — yeah, I really care about her, y’know? I gotta do what I gotta do to make her recovery bearable.

Shinji

I bite my lip, purposely taking my time putting my clothes in my bag, pretending to shuffle my things around to make room. Really, I just feel bad that there’s anything she has to recover from at all.

Shinji

Is she doing okay?

Shinji

I ask it before I even realize. The way Toji reacts to the question, I guess my voice betrayed a little bit of my guilt.

Toji

Better than she was, yeah. She’s still in bed, but they’re gonna have her back on her feet and walkin’ again soon.

Shinji

Oh, that’s good. I’m glad…

Shinji

I pause, debating whether I should voice the thought or not. I find myself staring blankly at the clothes in my bag before zipping it back up and looking back Toji’s way.

Shinji

Toji, you’re not...still upset, are you?

Shinji

Toji’s brow raises at the question.

Toji

Upset? I mean, yeah, I’m upset that she’s hurt. She’s my sister. I wish I didn’t have to see her in bed every day.

Shinji

I wince. But Toji continues. His tone shifts, and his expression relaxes.

Toji

But upset with you? No way. I saw what happened to you when Kensuke dragged my ass out to see you fight. There’s no way I could be upset after seein’ that.

Toji

Hell, I’m probably the idiot for hittin’ you as a welcome.

Shinji

The way he says it, I think he’s mostly joking with me about the last part. Yet I can’t help but feel there’s something genuine about that feeling, too, that he’s not quite letting me see.

Shinji

I find myself at a loss for how to answer, and the concern must show on my face. Because before I can think of anything to say, Toji huffs, hauling me up playfully by the collar and clapping me on the back.

Toji

Seriously, dude, no sweat. She’s gonna be fine, and I’m gonna be fine.

Toji

So no hard feelings, or I’m gonna have to beat ‘em out of ya again.

Shinji

I can’t help snorting at the obvious joke. But still, I can tell that behind the humor, there are real feelings that he’s being open about.

Shinji

Something in the way he delivers it makes it an easier pill to swallow. It’s kind of nice...it helps me feel more at ease. And the fact that he’d go out of his way to put my worries to rest at all...well, I…

Toji

Come on, Shinji. Let’s head back, yeah?

Shinji

Oh — right, yeah. Let’s go.

Shinji

I’d forgotten about my gym clothes during that conversation. Now that I have them — and now that I know Toji doesn’t have any lingering resentment towards me — I guess we can start heading to where we need to go.

Shinji

The more I think about it, the more I realize I don’t really want to be in the locker room. What if there are other people in there? I don’t want them to notice I forgot my stuff.

Shinji

I think for a bit before turning to Toji.

Shinji

Actually, uh...sorry, would you mind grabbing my stuff for me?

Toji

Huh? I mean, sure, no skin off my nose, but how come?

Shinji

Oh, I just...in case anyone else is in there. I don’t want to bother them...

Shinji

When I say it out loud, I realize how dumb it sounds. But Toji just grins and claps me on the back.

Toji

Sure thing, man. Just gimme a minute, I’ll be back.

Shinji

Thank you. I can go get drinks for us or something, if you want.

Toji

Oh, could ya? I’ll take a coffee or something. Lemme grab some change from my bag, and I’ll give it to you when I get back.

Shinji

Sure. I’ll meet you back here, okay?

Toji

Sure thing. See ya in a few.

Shinji

I head over to the pastry corner to grab the drinks, shuffling around in my pockets for loose change. I find myself taking my time, thinking.

Shinji

I can’t stop thinking about the look of confusion on Toji’s face when he heard my request. It must have sounded really stupid.

Shinji

Yet, he was completely fine with it. He really didn’t seem to mind. I’ve never really had anyone like that in school before…

Shinji

I pick up two canned coffees before returning to the track field. By the time I get back, Toji’s already waiting with the money for his.

Toji

Thanks, man. Here’s your stuff.

Shinji

I hand him his drink, and he hands me my gym uniform.

Shinji

Thanks, Toji. Sorry for making you do that…

Toji

Nah, seriously, don’t worry about it. I kinda owe ya, after all.

Shinji

Owe me?

Shinji

My brow furrows in my confusion. Owe me for what?

Toji

For that one time, y’know? The whole thing when you transferred in and all that.

Shinji

Understanding washes over me, and I recall my first day in Tokyo-3 Junior High. It was after my first sortie in my EVA, most of which I don’t remember.

Shinji

I lost consciousness at some point, but apparently Toji’s younger sister was harmed in the collateral damage. When my classmates learned I was the pilot, Toji took out his anger on me and beat me up.

Shinji

We’ve worked things out since. He even insisted that I punch him back to get even. I had no idea he was still feeling guilt over it.

Shinji

Toji, you really don’t need to worry about that. It was a while ago already.

Toji

But why’re you so cool with it? It was an asshole thing to do.

Shinji

It was your sister. I get why you’d be so upset about it.

Shinji

Besides, I’m used to it. I mean — not the EVA, but people acting that way.

Shinji

Toji knits his brow and pulls the tab on his coffee. He takes a large swig with a troubled expression.

Toji

That’s just the thing, though. I thought you were a real piece of work at first, but you really shouldn’t have had that comin’ to you.

Shinji

I pause, searching for words. I’ve never been the person that people go to for advice or a shoulder to cry on. Plus, I’ve never really seen Toji open up this way before. I’m kind of surprised.

Shinji

But I don’t mind. I want to try and help the best I can. I owe it to him.

Shinji

I mean...when you came all the way to find me before I almost left, that felt good. I felt like we could be friends, and like...um…

Shinji

Like I wasn’t really that alone, so...you actually ended up doing me a favor. If not for that, I probably would have really left.

Shinji

There’s a thoughtful silence. Then, Toji’s back to smiling — laughing, even.

Toji

Man, I didn’t mean to get all soft on ya. Not like me at all.

Toji

But seriously, thanks, Shinji. Didn’t expect you to be easy to talk to about this kinda thing.

Shinji

The way he says it is a bit tongue and cheek. Maybe he’s covering up after we were both so unusually vulnerable. I don’t blame him one bit.

Shinji

I don’t manage much more than a grin in reply before Toji stretches, nudging me in the shoulder.

Toji

C’mon, let’s get goin’, now that we’ve got all our stuff.

Shinji

Oh — yeah, sure.

Shinji

I pack my gym uniform into my bag, and we make our way to the front of campus.

Shinji

For some reason, I get a knot in my stomach at the thought of being with Toji. Is it butterflies? Or just plain old nerves? Either way, I hadn’t really been hoping for company…

Shinji

Oh, well, I mean, I’m kind of in a hurry…

Toji

Ah — my bad, then. Don’t let me hold you up.

Shinji

There’s something in the way he says it that seems...confused? Let down? I should think of an excuse to make my exit a little more graceful. Or, well...maybe it wouldn’t hurt to hang back for a bit?

I have a little time

I need your help with something

I have obligations at NERV

Shinji

Oh — no, don’t worry, you’re not. I...

Shinji

There’s some stuff I have to do at NERV, and I’m running kind of behind…

Shinji

My gaze wanders to the side as I deliver the lie, but Toji seems to understand. It sort of makes me feel worse about it.

Toji

Guess it can’t really be helped, huh? Pilots sure do seem busy. I’ll let you get goin’, then.

Shinji

Sorry, Toji — m-maybe some other time?

Shinji

Yeah, maybe sometime when I haven’t got club activities or somethin’. Good luck with the pilot stuff.

Shinji

I hurry to the locker room and hope the guilt doesn’t show in my expression. The sooner I grab my clothes, the sooner I can get off campus…

Toji

Phew! I feel like I got a load off my chest.

Shinji

I guess we sort of did, huh?

Shinji

I guess it’s true. We kind of navigated a tricky subject earlier. But even though it was scary, strangely enough...I’m sort of glad we did.

Shinji

I’m not normally one to talk about these kinds of things, since usually no one cares to listen. But today, that was different. And truth be told, I’m a little surprised about who that happened with.

Toji

It’s kinda funny, y’know. When you transferred in I kinda got the feeling you were the broody type, but you’re really not. I mean, not entirely.

Shinji

Really?

Toji

Yeah, there’s a lotta stuff I thought at first. But a lot of it’s totally off base. You’re cooler than I woulda thought.

Shinji

Cool — ? Oh, I don’t know about that…

Toji

No, really! I mean, like — that kinda talk hasn’t happened with, say, Kensuke. I guess I’ve never really had to with him, but this is just — it felt different, y’know?

Shinji

The “cool” label makes my face burn. I never would have applied it to myself in a million years. But at the same time, there’s something special about it, and I can’t help a little smile.

Shinji

I’m glad. I mean — that we could talk about it and stuff.

Toji

Yeah! For sure. It just kinda came easy with you.

Shinji

Toji stretches, and I’m left to mull that comment over in my head.

Toji

Well, don’t lemme keep you any longer than I have to. I should probably start headin’ over to see my kid sister, anyway.

Shinji

Oh — right. I should be heading back, too.

Toji

Cool, then I’ll see you tomorrow?

Shinji

Yeah, see you tomorrow.

Shinji

We come upon a street corner, and I start to head home, glancing briefly over my shoulder as Toji goes the other way.

Shinji

I decide to slip out of the crowd of students and get some fresh air on the roof. The noise becomes distant, and though the air is thick with summer heat, there’s a breeze up here makes it bearable.

Shinji

At this height, the cicadas are louder than the students, and you can see where the buildings meet the sky. I can also make out some of the large metal doors to the EVA launch hangars.

Shinji

Glancing in that direction, I find I’m not alone. My classmate, Kensuke, is also up here.

Shinji

He’s leaning over the railing with a pair of binoculars. His backpack sits a safe distance behind him, zipped halfway open. A digital camera sits tucked safely inside. The open bag makes it seem as though he’s ready to grab it at any moment.

Get his attention

Let him focus

Shinji

He doesn’t seem to notice I’m here. I wonder if I should interrupt?

Shinji

He looks really into whatever he’s doing. I should probably leave him alone.

Shinji

Um...Kensuke? What are you doing?

Shinji

Only when I call for him does Kensuke notice I’m here. He lowers his binoculars only for a second to look my way.

Kensuke

Watching for the A.T. Field weaponization testing. You know about it, right?

Shinji

The what? Um, no, they haven’t told us about anything like that…

Shinji

Kensuke always seems to know more about the inner workings of NERV than even I do. I guess I don’t really know much more than what Miss Misato tells me, but still, I do technically work there.

Shinji

Once he starts jumping into military jargon and all of that, I’m completely lost. I can’t say I completely understand his fascination with it, but I humor him anyway.

Kensuke

I found out about it from my dad’s files. NERV’s technical division is working on offensive uses for the A.T. Field, and they’re practicing with Unit-00 today.

Kensuke

They haven’t told you anything about it? I would’ve thought the pilots would be told about something like that.

Shinji

No, I really don’t know anything. Ayanami didn’t even tell me this was happening.

Kensuke

Well, I guess they wouldn’t need to tell the pilots anything until they’re ready to practice it with their EVA. Maybe it’s only natural that the only one who knows it is the one who’s piloting today.

Shinji

Or maybe I’m just clueless...I’m just going to pretend like I don’t know once I get home.

Kensuke

Hey, Shinji — wanna stay and watch?

Shinji

The target practice?

Kensuke

Yeah! I’ve been waiting up here for a while to see the EVA come out. If it works, it’s gonna be something else! Can you imagine? Man, if only I could be the one running the tests…!

Shinji

There he goes again...I’ve gotten used to this kind of conversation with him. If I could trade places with Kensuke, I would.

Shinji

Not that I mind when he talks about this kind of thing. It’s just not as luxurious as he thinks it is.

Shinji

The distant sound of a warning alarm cuts my thoughts short, and Kensuke draws an excited gasp.

Kensuke

It’s happening, it’s happening, it’s happening! Shinji, look!

Hand Kensuke his camera

Sit beside Kensuke and watch

Realize I have somewhere to be...

Shinji

One of the large metal gates opens up, and Evangelion Unit-00 is lifted to the surface. Without much of a second thought, I—

Shinji

I remember Kensuke’s camera in his bag, and I move to pick it up, nudging his shoulder and handing it to him.

Shinji

Here, I don’t think you want to forget this.

Shinji

In the back of my mind I question the legality of what I just did, but the goofy smile on Kensuke’s face makes me put the thought on the back burner for now. He hands over his binoculars to free up his hands for the camera.

Kensuke

Right — thanks, Shinji! I wouldn’t have wanted to miss this chance! Okay, come on, record, record, record…!

Shinji

Having done that, I look out to where Kensuke is pointing the lens.

Shinji

Evangelion Unit-00 stands tall at the gate, facing a large dummy balloon I recognize from past target testing. I can’t help but think how strange it is to be sitting here, watching from afar, when I’m normally right in the thick of things.

Shinji

Unit-00 takes a stance, and then, with a brief flash of orange light, deploys its A.T. Field. The hexagonal barrier makes the air ripple.

Shinji

Then, gradually, it morphs into what resembles a spear of light, and fires at the dummy balloon. Upon impact, the balloon splits in half and collapses.

Shinji

Meanwhile, beside me, Kensuke records the whole thing, with the energy of a child on Christmas morning.

Kensuke

There it is! Did you see it? Shinji, wasn’t that cool?!

Shinji

I just smile and nod, for fear of interrupting his footage with my comments. What’s a spectacle to him has become mundane training for me. I won’t have anything interesting to add — all I can think of is how I’ll likely be doing this in a few days.

Shinji

Still, there’s something weirdly refreshing about seeing Kensuke’s enthusiasm. In fact, it’s even...well, a little endearing.

Shinji

This goes on for a while, with long pauses in between for deflated dummy balloons to be swapped out for fresh ones. During those pauses, Kensuke asks questions I don’t have the answers to, goes on about things I hadn’t heard about — the usual.

Shinji

Time passes, and before I even realize how long I’ve been here, the gates open again and Unit-00 is retrieved. Kensuke stops recording and begins to pack up his camera.

Kensuke

That was amazing! I can’t believe we actually saw it! Thanks, man, seeing it with you really made my day!

Shinji

I mean, it’s not really, um…

Kensuke

No, really! I got to watch the EVA, with my friend who pilots. That just made it even better!

Shinji

Caught off guard by the compliment, I have nothing to offer in response but a sheepish smile.

Kensuke

Come on, let’s head back together. The test went on for a while. It’s kinda late now.

Shinji

Oh — yeah, okay. Let’s do that.

Shinji

We pick up our bags and begin heading down the stairs…

Shinji

I lean over the railing beside Kensuke, watching Unit-00 and glancing his way every now and then. He leans further forward in his enthusiasm, a huge, excited grin on his face.

Shinji

Unit-00 takes a stance, and then, with a brief flash of orange light, deploys its A.T. Field. The hexagonal barrier makes the air ripple.

Shinji

Then, gradually, it morphs into what resembles a spear of light, and fires at the dummy balloon. Upon impact, the balloon splits in half and collapses.

Shinji

Meanwhile, beside me, Kensuke watches the whole thing, with the energy of a child on Christmas morning.

Kensuke

There it is! Did you see it? Shinji, wasn’t that cool?!

Shinji

She already figured out how to do it, huh?

Kensuke

I bet there were simulations at base to get the hang of it before trying it out on the dummies today. Still, this is as close as it gets to the real thing! Can you believe it?!

Shinji

If only the real thing were as controlled as this, I think. But I don’t say it — I don’t want to put a damper on Kensuke’s excitement. Something about it is...kind of charming.

Shinji

Time passes, and before I even realize how long I’ve been here, the gates open again and Unit-00 is retrieved. Kensuke moves to grab his bag, and I hear him stop behind me as I pick mine back up.

Kensuke

Oh, no — I can’t believe I wasn’t recording it! Man, I got so into it, I didn’t even realize…

Shinji

I trip over my words a moment, realizing that indeed, he wasn’t filming. It’s a little strange, seeing as he usually has the camera with him, but I guess it was easy for it to slip his mind in his excitement.

Shinji

I hesitate, trying to find words of comfort.

Shinji

Oh, well, um — at least you saw it at all, right? Wasn’t that all you really wanted to do?

Shinji

Kensuke has a ponderous expression for a moment. But after thinking about it, he’s back to a satisfied smile.

Kensuke

I guess you’re right, huh? It kinda sucks that I don’t have video, but the experience was still really cool. Besides, not having to watch it by myself made it better. Don’t you think?

Shinji

Taken aback by the subtle compliment, I dumbly stutter out half of a reply.

Shinji

I just — I mean, I was only —

Shinji

Before I can finish the thought, Kensuke chuckles, elbowing me gently in the shoulder.

Kensuke

Come on, Shinji. We should probably get going, don’tcha think? Let’s walk together.

Shinji

Yeah...I guess it’s getting kind of late. Let’s go.

Shinji

Kensuke zips up his bag, and we begin heading down the stairs to leave school.

Shinji

I’m not sure if my idea of a good afternoon is watching the EVAs in training. I do enough of that when I’m on the clock…

Shinji

Um, I don’t think I can stay. I have to, ah…

Kensuke

Come on, Shinji, just hang back for a little bit! This is like, once in a lifetime! Look, they’re gonna start —

Stay and watch

Wait, what about his camera?

I’m doing this tomorrow, I need to rest

Shinji

He’s already absorbed in his spectating...of something that’s not once in a lifetime for me, on top of that. But if I stay, it’ll probably make him happy, even if this isn’t anything out of the ordinary for me. Should I rethink this?

Shinji

Maybe it’s selfish, but I really don’t want to stay. I feel guilty, but I go through enough when I have to be at NERV. I don’t really want to make a sport out of training.

Shinji

I say the first thing that comes to my head.

Shinji

No, I really can’t stay. If you’re right about the training, they might have me do it tomorrow, so, um — I should really rest.

Kensuke

Oh, I guess so, huh? That’s right, this is just normal stuff for you...maybe I should’ve brought Toji along?

Shinji

I clench my teeth. Of course, he could’ve just asked our friend...what would have stopped him? There’s no reason it had to be me, anyway. I just happened to be here…

Shinji

I try not to look affected by the thought. I’m the one that said I needed to leave, aren’t I…?

Shinji

M-Maybe try calling him. See if he’ll come.

Shinji

I guess I could...man, that’s too bad, though. I guess we can hang out some other time?

Shinji

Yeah. Some other time.

Shinji

I feel like I’ve ruined the atmosphere with my graceless departure, but I can’t take it back now. I just need to go, and let Kensuke enjoy watching without me…

Kensuke

Man, that was the best!

Shinji

I can’t help but chuckle a little at how deeply moved Kensuke seems to be by our experience this afternoon. It really wasn’t much…

Shinji

Though I can’t help but wonder what about all of this has him so fascinated. I don’t dislike it, I just...want to understand.

Shinji

Hey, Kensuke...why do you want to be an EVA pilot?

Shinji

Kensuke pauses briefly, pursing his lips thoughtfully. I wonder if my question was a bit too direct.

Kensuke

That’s kind of a random question. I guess...I dunno how to explain it. I just think it’s cool. I wanna be able to do stuff like we saw today, y’know?

Kensuke

I guess when I think about what you do, I think about how neat it must be...kinda makes me wonder how anyone even gets chosen.

Kensuke

But I guess there’s some reason they picked you, huh? Something special.

Shinji

Me? Special? As far as I know, it’s just because no one else can synchronize with my unit. Even my father said no one else can. He really didn’t have a choice.

Shinji

But maybe I’m just not meant to understand the way Kensuke thinks. As long as it makes him happy to imagine it, I suppose. And I guess if he’s my friend, I can talk to him about stuff like this.

Shinji

You really think that?

Kensuke

Yeah, man! If it could be just anyone, I could probably just ask Misato and she’d say yes…

Kensuke

...But, like, if you find out what gets people chosen, could you tell me? Could you ask her for me?

Shinji

I almost can’t help a lighthearted laugh at the sudden change in his tone. He really is something…

Shinji

I told you, I don’t think she’s in charge of that. I don’t know how they pick. But, um...I guess it wouldn’t hurt to ask.

Shinji

You know, just for Kensuke’s peace of mind.

Kensuke

Hey, if you’ve got a minute, you wanna see something cool? It’s getting dark, so now would probably be a good time.

Shinji

Huh? Now? What is it?

Yes

Kensuke

You’re just gonna have to come see. But only if you want. I get it if you’ve gotta be home soon.

Shinji

I want to, but if I don’t get home, Miss Misato might get mad.

Kensuke

No worries, man, I get it. I’m still really glad you stuck around with me after school today. Maybe some other time, okay?

Shinji

Yeah. Thanks for today. I had fun.

Kensuke

Same here. I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?

Shinji

Yeah.

Shinji

We part ways at a street corner, and as I leave, I’m looking forward to tomorrow a little more than I was yesterday.

Shinji

I’m a little curious about what he wants to show me. I guess staying out a little longer couldn’t hurt…

Shinji

Sure, I’ll go.

Kensuke

Really? Cool! It’s not super far, just out this way.

Shinji

Kensuke begins to lead me to whatever it is he wants to show me, making only a brief detour to his home to swap his school bag for a much larger one.

Shinji

It ends up being a clearing on the edge of the city. It’s a bit of a trek from school, but school is already sort of away from the city center, so it’s not much more than a short walk to this point.

Shinji

Still, with the grass and reeds around here and the city skyline visible from a distance, it feels a lot farther than it actually is.

Shinji

I remember accidentally coming across Kensuke here once. He had a small camp set up, and was acting out some sort of war scene with himself.

Shinji

I wonder what it is he could want to show me when I already know about this hobby of his?

Kensuke

Hope you don’t mind me dragging you out here.

Shinji

No, not at all. Was there something out here that you wanted to…?

Kensuke

Yeah. I think you turned in kinda early last time we were out here, but it’s almost dark. You can see the sky pretty well here at night.

Shinji

Do you stargaze?

Kensuke

Well, I mean, kinda? I don’t know a lot of constellations or anything like that, and you still can’t see the stars as well because of the city lights.

Kensuke

I just like the quiet out here. It reminds me of when I was little.

Shinji

I understand what he means. Summer has always been the only season here, ever since I was little, but things were a little different. The cicadas weren’t as loud, the air wasn’t as thick with heat — things like that.

Shinji

Plus, there’s something comforting about stargazing. It’s strange, but the feeling of looking up and knowing how small you are sort of puts things into perspective.

Kensuke

Just gimme a second, I’ll get a fire going.

Shinji

Time passes, and soon enough, Kensuke has a whole campsite set up. There’s a small tent and a campfire to fend off the mild chill of the night air.

Shinji

The sun has set by now, and the sky is speckled with stars. Several are still hidden by the lights from the city center, but the view here is clearer than it would be from there.

Shinji

The two of us sit close by the fire, gazing up, then looking back at each other, then occasionally back up at the sky.

Shinji

The view really is better out here.

Kensuke

I told you it’d be good.

Shinji

I didn’t know you liked this kind of thing. I’ve always liked the stars, too.

Kensuke

Yeah?

Shinji

Yeah, ever since I was little. There was always something comforting about it. The universe is so big…

Kensuke

Kinda crazy when you think about it, isn’t it?

Shinji

Yeah…

Shinji

We talk for a while, occasionally falling silent. But it’s a comfortable kind of silence, where we’re enjoying the sound of the fire and the sight of the sky.

Shinji

I begin to lose track of time, just enjoying the moment. Somehow, I didn’t expect to have this in common with Kensuke, but it’s nice. It’s a sort of deeper side of him I’d never seen before.

Maybe I should head home

Just a little longer...

Shinji

I think...I’m starting...to feel tired…

Shinji

Recognizing the sleep starting to set in, I rub my eyes and look back at Kensuke.

Shinji

Kensuke...I’d stay longer if I could, but I’m kind of starting to get tired…

Kensuke

Oh, no worries, Shinji. Sorry for keeping you out this late. If you need to head home, that’s fine.

Shinji

Yeah...Miss Misato might get mad.

Kensuke

I understand. Maybe we could do this again sometime?

Shinji

I’d really like that. Then we could plan ahead for it, so Miss Misato know.

Kensuke

Sounds good. I’ll catch you tomorrow, okay? Get some rest.

Shinji

Yeah, see you tomorrow. Um — thanks for today.

Kensuke

Nah, thank you. That was more fun than I’ve had in a while.

Shinji

Me too. I’m really glad.

Kensuke

You gonna get back to the train station okay?

Shinji

Yeah, I’ll be fine. I’ll see you tomorrow.

Kensuke

Yeah! See ya.

Shinji

With a big, bright grin, Kensuke waves, and I wave back before heading back the way I came.

Shinji

I think I can fight it off for a little longer. Then I’ll go home.

Shinji

I fall down onto my back, enjoying the warmth of the fire as I gaze directly up at the sky.

Shinji

Occasionally I look over at Kensuke, who just looks back at me with a knowing smile.

Shinji

In my sleepy state, I can’t think of much to add to the conversation, but he doesn’t seem to mind.

Shinji

I start to feel my eyelids drooping, but I fight it off for as long as I can…

Shinji

But the only thing I’m conscious of now is Kensuke rising from his seat and draping a jacket over me…

Shinji

… … …

Shinji

When I open my eyes, the sun is just beginning to rise.

Shinji

Crap, I fell asleep here…!

Shinji

I quickly sit up, trying to regain my bearings. Kensuke isn’t by the fire that has since gone out. He must have gone into the tent…

Shinji

I gather the jacket around me and rise to go check. Sure enough, he’s sound asleep inside, sprawled out under a sleeping bag.

Shinji

I probably shouldn’t wake him up, but I need to get back home...I’m sure he’ll understand when he wakes up.

Shinji

I carefully drape the jacket over the sleeping Kensuke, the same way he did for me last night.

Shinji

And with that, I turn to hurry home, hoping that Miss Misato will be asleep when I get there...

Shinji

I’m home…

Shinji

Not that anyone is home to hear me say it. Miss Misato said she would come home late tonight because of NERV work. And no doubt Asuka is out doing things right now.

Shinji

I slip off my shoes and step inside. I guess I have the place to myself for now, but it doesn’t make me feel anything in particular.

Shinji

The silence feels oppressive, and my mind feels like static…

Shinji

It’s a little early, but I guess I could draw up a bath.

Shinji

The water runs and I wait for the bath to fill. Without anyone else here making any noise, there’s nothing to distract me from my thoughts.

Shinji

Maybe this was a mistake. My thoughts always wander like this in the bath.

Shinji

Still, I ran the water. I should at least use it.

Shinji

... ... ...

Shinji

Did I really leave because I had to?

Shinji

Or was it the thought of being close to someone else?

Shinji

I try to stop thinking about it, but I can’t help but wonder what would’ve happened if I’d stayed…

Shinji

Was I just afraid? Afraid of what? Maybe I shouldn’t have left…

Shinji

No, but I had to! Sharing a moment like that with someone else...it’s never ended well for me in the past. I can’t do it.

Shinji

But I can almost hear everyone else in my head, telling me that I’m just lying to myself.

Shinji

But if I had gotten my hopes up...if I’d been happy...anything good that happens to me has to end at some point, doesn’t it?

Shinji

...I’m really just a coward, after all.

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